I don't get you. You say you aren't but you are just like him.  If you don't want me around anymore tell me.  Then at least I don't need to keep making excuses.  Stop pretending like you don't treat me like a blacksheep.

so I just saw Twilight and it was actually really good. But as I do with most movies, I try to take a line from it and make something extremely deep out of it. So the line I took from Twilight was "A lion fell in love with a Lamb." Surprisingly I got nothing. I keep comparing it to God and all I can get is the way that it says in the Bible that when married two join into one, which leads me to think well God holds the ferocious and majesticness characteristics of a Lion but is still gentle and pure as a Lamb. I mean also I sort of looked at a little more literal and using the magnetic law that opposites attract, which also works for love in many cases. Sort of like how 2 very different people can at times seem like such a bizzare match, and yet still work out so harmoniously.

I am so worried about you right now. I don't know what is going on with you right now. I don't know what is goingthrough your head. I just don't know. I love you.

so I find other religions at times fascinating. Not that I am thinking about converting of anything. But tonight while at work trying to clean the backroom Sam told me to go find out what a guy whom was in the back parking lot was doing. I walked outside and saw that he had on what looked like a yamaka or however you spell it and had his shoes off and was lying a rug down on the ground it turns out that he was Islamic and it was one of the prayer times. It is crazy to think that at certain times of day these people have enough discipline to be able to do that. It was a very inspiring thing to see.

well this is a very new feeling. It is incredibly scary and yet one of the most amazing gdelimys I have ever experienced.

Hey everyone,
so some stuff has been going on lately in life. A lot of stuff actually. First off I am currently typing this on my new iPod touch in bed and it is unusually easy to type on. It has a really good spell check/word fixing program. Most of the words I am typing get typed nothing like the real word. The best part of it all is that it was a present from the most amazing girl ever. It came with the MacBook that she got for graduating but she already has an iPod.

Speaking of graduation that brings me to another fairly big thing. I got a letter from my school a couple weeks ago saying that I am more that 5 credits short of being a senior so if I do stay in school I have to take 2 more years. It really sucks. I think I will just get a GED and take that road. I could to to middlesex and take courses in video production there. I really don't know what to do. It sucks.

On a happier note I am finally getting my permit soon. I know that it means that I won't get my license until a little before I turn 18 but it means I will get some practice driving before I get my license. Torrie's dad said that he will take me out driving sometime which will be much better than driving with my mom. She has a habit of freaking out.

Also I am getting a new job soon. I so sick of all the drama at cvs. Everyone always has some new crap going on. I just had to sell a pregnancy test to one of my coworkers last night which came out positive. Then there is one oft shift supervisors, Sam. She is a whole nother story. I don't know how she became a shift and I don't want to know how. I might be able to get a job with Torrie's dad though at his business. Torrie tells me that I would sort of be like one step up from being a telemarketer which is cool by me. I would have to call people and ask how their service was for some car company (her dads client). I would also be making more doing that.

So yeah my life has been having some ups and downs lately but things are really starting to look up.

So I am loving how much stress is in my life lately. 
1) I have to appeal my absences because I went over by 2 days.
2) I need to take some of my finals in order to pass classes.
3) I honestly have no idea where i will live next year.
4) Work keeps screwing me over on hours, pay, and everything else
5) There is way to much drama going on.

I just want to run away.

Dear God,

Why am I such a screw up?  I never mean to do any harm.  I am simply trying to improve a situation and it always ends up bad.  What am I doing wrong?  I always hurt the ones I love most, and I am never quite sure how or why I do it.  Help me...

I absolutely love having friends who care a lot about me.  Friday afternoon I went up to Torrie's to go to her trumpet lesson with her and then get a haircut.  I wasn't feeling very well at all Thursday or Friday and now I found out that it is most likely mono... which really sucks so on the way to Wallingford I asked Torrie if I could push my haircut back to another day.  She told me that she could not because the guy doesn't like to move appointments.  So while we were driving up I called my doctor to ask what was up and the receptionist told me that she would have the doctor call me within the hour.  So we went to the trumpet lesson and the doctor did call me and told me to take ibuprofin and call back if it gets worse.  After the lesson we went and I got my haircut.  Nothing big just a trim.  After that we made a quick stop at Stop and shop to get some sparkling cider and then went to Nait's house bcause Torrie "forgot her sweater there last weekend." We walked inside and everything was dark and then all of a sudden a resounding "SURPRISE!!!" filled the room.  The entire day was a distraction while they all set up for a surprise partty for me.  I have not had a party since I was in Kindergarten!  It was one of the most amaing feelings knowing that my friends care enough about me to throw me a surprise party.

1) Get married to the perfect wife for me.
2) Have at least two kids.
3) Make it through college.
4) Get into the career of being a missionary and doing video work.
5) Live in a zombie apocolypse. (who doesn't fantasize about that)
6) Start a church if not multiple churches in foreign countries.
7) Be in a band for at least a little while.
8) Get out of the vices that hold me down right now.
9) Become a published writer with at least one of my works
10) Work with an organization like to Write Love On Her Arms or The Love Alliance for a year.

Fine Arts has become the very most hated thing in my mind.  It is not even because it is not fun to be in the competition.  It is just the stuff that leads up to it and how it has become basically void of God all together in my church.  We have always done practices from 1:30-4 in the past and today I figured would be no different.  So I went to my new church in Wallingford and afterwards Torrie had to go to work so I figured I would just go with her to the mall (where she works) and then see if someone could pick me up there.  I called Jonna, one of the adults involved in Fine Arts and asked her if she could pick me up, and all of a sudden I get this attitude because "we have always had practice start at one."  She did agree to do it though.  So after I called her, about five minutes later I get a call from my youth pastor, Dan, telling me "we have always had practice at one."  So the repition was the second thing that annoyed me.  When Torrie and I got to the mall I said good-bye to her because I wasn't going to see her  again until next weekend and she had to get to work.  Another five minutes later Jonna was there to pick me up.  As soon as I got in the car she gave me that attitude of "you were wrong and I want you to know that good and well."  So as we started driving she sort of actually tried to keep things calm because she knew that I was a bit pissed.  I told her that I was definitely told to be there at 1:30 the week before because I was with Torrie when I was told this and she remembered me saying 1:30.  Jonna said that there was no way she told me 1:30 so I was just like whatever.  After that I told her that it really annoyed me that I was being expected to jump through hoops for it when I was never in it this year out of my want to do it.  Dan begged me to do it last summer when we were working on a video for the church, and that I was really tempted to quit now.  She told me that I was in the right if I didn't keep with it because I shouldn't be doing it if I don't want to, especially now that I don't go to the church anymore.  I told her that it is basically impossible for me to get there for one because my new church gets out at like 12:15 or 12:30 and she, sort of just trying to change the topic because she thought it wasn't her place to talk to me about it, asked me what the new church was like and I told her that it was a great church with people who are legitimate about their faith.  She seemed understanding because no one can deny the fakeness of my old church.  I know that it is something that comes with all churches but this was way to much and it was bad.  When I did get there Dan stayed quiet towards me because he knew that I would walk out if he tried to give me crap, but everyone else was being such jerks about it regardless of it being their place to or not.  I am so sick of people who are ungrateful.

So yeah my teacher told us to write a poem about stuff we didn't understand.
PS my LJ is now gonna have a lot more poems from my english classes.

Can We Try To Be At An Understanding
I don't understand;
     why we are so sex-driven,
     why wars happen,
     why the world is falling apart.
I really don't understand;
     why I'm so afraid of people,
     why God chose any of us,
     why people persecute what they don't know
I most understand;
     Why guns kill,
     Why every new day comes,
     why blood is red,
          for love and for ends.


For All
This is for the not-good-enoughs;
You are a good person,
The kids who make-fun of you,
They're not worth it.

For the too-goods;
Stop being so high on yourself,
Get over your ego,
You're just as good or bad as everyone else.

This is for you.
This is for me.


The next poem was one that I had to write from a quote and the perspective of someone involved in that quote.  I chose a quote from The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe.  It is super free-verse.


"Course He isn't safe.  But He's good."

What do they mean?
Your a lion,
that part I get,
but how can you be good?
We were always taught,
fear them, they're bigger
fear them, they've teeth to eat you
fear them, they've claws to kill you

Then you appear
Your face so beautiful
Your man so majestic,
My legs fail me
I fall to my face
Tears roll down my cheeks,
As my lips kiss your feet.

You said rise and I did so
You said drink, and I almost said no
You said you make no promises,
I was just so thirsty though.

Where I am From, And To Where I Will Return
I am from books, dusty on the shelves,
I am from those things in the closet that only scare you in the dark
From clothes on the floor,
I am from the floor boards themselves

I am from soil, to go back to in my old age
From flowers, from the trees
I am from toys cluttering the place
I am from the big red barn

I am from the corner store, across from the post office down the street
I am from the swings at the park, always swung over the bar
From the pool b ehind the school
and form the school across the street

I am from Grandma and Grandpa
From Uncle Mike, the one who acts flamboyant
I am from Uncle Bob and Aunt Doddie
I am from the fam

I am from LOLs and BRBs
From cry me a river
And cheese and rice
I am from a rolling stone which gathers no moss

I am from ham with mustard on it
From grandma's meatloaf which was always flawless
I am from turkey, picking the bones dry
I am from tortilla dip.

I am from my diary, which i always called a journal
From my memory box
And that wooden wine box Grandpa gave me
I am from the Bible I was given in third grade.


my character poem

Prepubescence
WHATS HAPPENING TO ME!
MY ARMS AND LEGS ARE HAIRY,
MY ARMPITS STINK AND MY HAIR IS GREASY,
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I am so lost
Nothing but a lost face,
Now covered in pimples
When did mom and dad become so distant?
When did my family become so revolting?
I am so alone.

First bell rings,
Poems this and poems that-
Nothing but T.S. Elliot and Walt Whitman.
Second bell rings,
Reading and writing once again,
We are young J.R.R. Tolkein's and C.S. Lewis'.
Third Bell,
Asleep in the hall of studies.
Fourth bell-
History relived:
'If we forget the past we are doomed to repeat it...'
Did Einstein have it right?
Fifth bell-
Feast's of the failed meats,
Salmonella is sure to join
Speaking of biology-
The sixth bell rings,
Seventh bell and once again study,
eigth bell comes and we are all gone-
Driven off in ambulances of yellow.

Dear God,
This won't be another prayer of give me this and give me that. I am sick of my prayers being all about me, never in worship of you. I am sick of always thriving for something new instead of thanking you for what I have and what you have given me. There is so much that I can thank You for God.
1) my family- even though I say I wish I had a different family and how I want to just leave them all behind, but really I do love them and they have had a massive impact in my life. They have shaped me into the person I am today and kept me out of all the crap cluttering your beautiful earth.
2) my friends- for whom I would not be alive without. Especially for the Hare's who have always been my shelter when the rest of my life was in a down pour, and especially for Kelsey who in my darkest time of life, when I felt all was hopeless she merely invited me to Messiah that first year on the second weekend in December showing that people could love me.
3) Thank you for my school and teachers- Even Mr. O'Brien who's class provides with a naptime each and every day. My teachers are the ones whom I can trust.
4) Most of all God I thank you for the person who I know will love me through all troubles and all of my silly little things God. Torrie is the most amazing girl I have ever met. Tonight I realized what Agape love was while talking to her. More so then what it says in Corinthians. Agape can be had between 2 people. It is so powerful that no storm can break it dow, so Gos thank you for Torrie.

Also God thank you fior loving me, because you hsve sat through all of my crap for almost 17 years and not once did you tell me to shutup. I love you, my God and my Father
-Your son

I guess that aspect would be my stuck-up sense of myself. When I am in school I always need to feel that I am better than everyone else so I get really egotistical. When I am with others I still do it at times but generally I know that I am equal (if I am even that). Because I act so stuck-up a lot of people refuse to hang out with me outside of school, and a lot of times even in school. I guess I am just afraid that if I show my weaknesses that people will think I am just a little emo kid. Maybe it is also because I don't want to be friends with them because I am afraid of losing them considering I am leaving to go to college in a year and a half. That brings up the thought; will I change when I go to college and am gonna be with the people for four years and maybe more? I don't know. I guess it is just something I need to work on for the next year.


The reason I actually bothered to respond to the question was partially because I had nothing to do, but also because I was talking to my friend Daniella in a study hall about her boyfriend and the question came up. We were talking about her boyfriend because I was asking her why she goes out with him when he is always such an a-hole to her, and she told me that he was actually a nice guy to her when they were alone. Maybe it was because I was fascinated with psychology or some other unknown reason but I asked her if he had an ego problem because it seemed like he wanted to try to look masculine in front of "the guys." I really hope that I don't do that to Torrie.

Is it weird to think about marriage and our children at least 2 years before it will happen? Is it weird to get such a smile on my face when I heard that her mom wanted to call me uncle Dave when we finished with the baby crib for her sister as I did today? If that's weird then I want to be weird. I really do believe that she is the one that I will marry and I am already nervous about asking for her father's blessing to propose to her, even though I know that he loves me. After seeing her playing with someone else's kids I know that she will be such a great mother. I hope that I can be as good a father to Sasha and Aiden.

Plating the pasta Torrie watched, giggling to herself,
Anticipation was filling my head, but the joy of it all was in the heart,
My hands began to tremble as I sprinkled cheese over everything
Peace came through the aroma filling the house
Love is in the taste-buds of the rents.


Another Tanka Poem from Creative Writing

Powdery snow freezing their faces,
A couple comes sliding down the hill,
His arms around her
trying to keep her warm,
Both laughing, fully in love.

So I have been thinking about the future lately a lot. Partially because Torrie have been talking about it lately. Especially after she told me that her mom said that she thinks I am meant for her. That is also pretty awesome, because parents tend to know things like that for their children. Things are going really well.

ra‘yāh, dōd, ’āhēb. The three words for love found in Song of Songs.
I was watching the Nooma video, Flame, earlier tonight and it made me question whether or not my current relationship include ra‘yāh and ’āhēb. dōd is the sexual one so we will leave that for marriage. The video says that all three of the loves together makes a flame burning hot in a relationship and I know that mine has ’āhēb but it seems to lack ra‘yāh, and it scares me to think that it won't last because we can't figure out how to integrate the two together. Things are still amazing though between Torrie and me.